The voice-to-mindset connection

I've been thinking a lot lately about the connection between what we say, think and do.

Remember the old children's story about the little engine that could? "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can..." This is a concept that I am finding more and more to be true and applicable to adult life.

Our minds are fascinating organs. I find that my mind responds very strongly to auditory cues, the things I hear. When I am surrounded by negative sounds (too much loud noise, people yelling and screaming, a lot of angry swearing, harsh squealing, whining and complaining) I tend to quickly fall into a bad mood, no matter what my overall state of well-being is like. Conversely, when I am surrounded by positive sounds (the voices of people I love, music I appreciate, pleasant conversation, people laughing) they tend to bring my mood up, even if I am otherwise feeling down.

Another interesting concept I've been learning is a voice-to-mindset connection. I find that when I complain, vent or whine about negative things, it only seems to make me feel worse. It seems to me that by hearing myself vocalize the negativity in my mind, I only validate those negative feelings and teach my brain that those feelings are OK. My brain responds to my voice.

I'm also finding that by vocalizing positive things (even if I'm not necessarily feeling them) helps my brain respond in a positive manner to the situation.

My brain processes my voice saying, "I can do this. This is OK. This is going to be all right. I can make the most out of this. This may be a problem, but I am strong and resourceful and I can make it work. I am going to rise above the tide. I am capable of doing what needs to be done." And the more positivity my brain hears, the more my actual mindset becomes positive. And when my actual mindset is positive, my actions in each circumstance and my reaction to each situation become more positive as well.

Have you ever wondered how it is so easy for some people to live a lie? I think it's because they have convinced themselves (through constant voice-to-mindset conditioning) that a lie is the truth. It becomes their reality. The brain really is a fascinating organ.

The kind of voice-to-mindset conditioning that I am trying to practice in my life is of a more positive nature. It's the kind of conditioning that teaches my mind to look for the positive in every situation. It's a kind of self-vocalized pep talk.

The more positively you approach a situation, the more resourceful your mind is when trying to come up with a solution. If you go into something thinking (or even worse, saying) "I can't" then your mind has already given up, and you most likely won't be able to come up with a solution. When you free up your mind by giving it the positive green-light, you can do so much more. You remove the "I can't" boundaries you've set up previously in your mind, and you give yourself the freedom to do what needs to be done to turn a potentially negative situation into something positive. Attitude is everything.

Some people call me an idealist. They call me a hopeless optimist. A dreamer with my head in the clouds and little grasp of reality. I beg to differ.

I've seen plenty of negative stuff in my brief time on this planet. I know it exists. I've lived through some of it, and I've stood by some people close to me as they've lived through some of it. I know there is evil, I know there is bad, I know there is negative. I also know that giving in to evil and bad and negative is not an option for me. To me, pessimism is letting the negative win, letting the negative control you.

Training myself to vocalize positivity is merely taking advantage of my brain's natural functions and using them to better my life and the lives of those around me.

Besides, nobody really wants to listen to me complain and whine anyway. :)

I'm a country girl

Growing up in Texas, it was pretty much inevitable. In California, I seem to be viewed as a crazy person because of it. But I don't care. I freely admit it -- I like country music.

I'm not necessarily talking about old-school, twangy country and western cowboy music. I appreciate a lot of that style, but I'm more referring to the modern, CMT popular country music. And there are a lot of things I love about it.

It's simple. Each song is about a simple concept... love, anger, friendship, heartbreak, death, life, whatever it may be... it's simple. These songs don't use much poetic language or big words. They rely on conversational phrasing and the ability to use very specific examples to make the emotions almost tangible. They also have significant relevance for people like me, who appreciate the beauty in the common things, the little things in life.

It's real. These songs are about real life... the real things that real people have to deal with on a regular basis... they speak to the common issues that we face, and many of them offer optimism in the face of difficulty. They offer a view of love, life and family that very few, if any, other genres of music even touch.

It's fun. I've made playlists of 'fun country' songs that could play for hours and keep me dancing and singing along the whole time. So much of country music is just fun to listen to. It's about having a good time and living life with a smile on your face.

It's the playlist to life. At least for me, I can pretty much name a country song (or a whole playlist of them) to match any mood I'm in, at any time. The genre is so much more diverse than the stereotypical "tear in my beer" or "my wife left me for the guy with the bigger pickup truck" idea that so many people have of country music.

Give it a shot. It may not be what you're used to, but it may speak to your heart in a way that no other music can.

Here is a much-abbreviated (though it may not look like it) list of some of the country songs that have been on the playlist of my life (now and in the past.) Each of these songs fits with a story from my life... a time, a place, an emotion... What songs are on your life playlist?

---

We shall be free by Garth Brooks
Something more by Sugarland
Something worth leaving behind by Lee Ann Womack
It's a great day to be alive by Travis Tritt
I love this bar by Toby Keith
I wish I were the rain by SheDaisy
You've got a way by Shania Twain
Born to fly by Sara Evans
Perfect by Sara Evans
I'll be by Reba McIntire
I'm movin' on by Rascal Flatts
My wish by Rascal Flatts
I love you by Martina McBride
This one's for the girls by Martina McBride
I'm already there by Lonestar
What about now by Lonestar
I hope you dance by Lee Ann Womack
You made me find myself by LeAnne Rimes
One way ticket by LeAnne Rimes
The woman with you by Kenny Chesney
Summertime by Kenny Chesney
Somebody like you by Keith Urban
Raining on Sunday by Keith Urban
Home to you by John Michael Montgomery
Like we never loved at all by Faith Hill & Tim McGraw
Let me let go by Faith Hill
I should be sleeping by Emerson Drive
Wide open spaces by Dixie Chicks
I would have loved you anyway by Trisha Yearwood
She's everything by Brad Paisley

Share your playlists with me! I'd love to know the music that touches you at your core.

Hollywood's "random attraction" plots annoy me

Pet Peeve #3,498: Movies in which the protagonist and his/her romantic interest "fall in love" for no apparent reason, with no attempt at character development.

Okay, here's the thing. I've seen so many shallow romantic comedies/dramas that seem to have main characters only because a movie without main characters is pretty stupid. There is no character development at all. And the male and female leads "fall in love" at the end of the movie simply as a plot element, with no basis in reason or even emotion. It just happens because that's what you expect to happen when you have a male and a female lead in a movie.

I want to watch a movie that shows a glimmer of understanding about how actual relationships work... how actual, flesh-and-blood people fall in love. Movies seem to base "love" on nothing more than a basic attraction and circumstance.

Love isn't a plot element, just something to be tossed around for the sake of a heart-warming story.

I've seen very few movies that have the characters fall in love because they are compatible, because they have a lot in common, or even because the complement each other. In fact, it's usually the opposite. So many Hollywood movies thrive on pitching "opposites attract" themes. People who "fall in love" against their better judgment, against their initial gut reaction to another person, against all odds. It makes for a great "love conquers all" story, but when I see a movie with this theme, it leaves a huge, gaping question in my mind.

What happens after the initial "attraction" fades?

It's no secret that opposites attract. But mere attraction isn't enough. A love that is going to last past the final credits has to be based on more... on reality... on compatibility and commonality... on commitment and a consistent choice to practice love.

Perhaps this is much too much of a rational approach to love for some people. It probably wouldn't make a very popular movie.

My fear, though, is that with the Hollywood idea of random attraction so prevalent, how will anyone learn to move beyond this shallow, vague notion of love?

Sure, there are aspects of love that are irrational, passionate, desperate and emotional... the butterflies in the stomach, the trembling fingers, the rapid breaths, the overwhelming sensations... all these things are important components of the romantic portion of love... but if these feelings aren't grounded in something solid, that love is a helium-filled balloon that will disappear into the clouds. It will end in heartbreak and devastation. You have to have a foundation, or the shifting sand of life will crumble the love you tried to build.

Perhaps it's impossible to make sense out of something so deeply rooted in the heart. But I choose to attempt rationality (or at the very least, level-headedness) in the arena of love. The mind and the heart must be trained to cooperate, to coincide, to co-habitate. To separate the two is to accept a false dichotomy.

Vulnerable

I'll write you poetry
Set to a melody
Set to the beating of your heart
And maybe then you'll see
I can be the one who brings the dimples to your cheeks
The one who illuminates your dark.

I've always been somebody's weakness
Tonight I want to be somebody's strength.

I want to know what makes you bleed
And what's behind each breath you breathe
I want to know the color of your soul
I want to know what makes you laugh
And what's behind each dream you have
I want to know what makes you lose control
I want to count the freckles on your skin
And visit every place you've ever been
I want to add your world to my own
And know you like you've never been known.

And if you want to know me, too, tonight
That's all right
But my green eyes will be your kryptonite
And I will show you all of me
And all my insecurities
But you will have to let me be your weakness
And you will have to reveal all your flaws
And you will have to open up your heart and let me in
Because only in your weakness will you recognize my strength
And I'll go to any length to prove
Your secret's safe with me, my love
Your secret's safe with me
And together, in the dark tonight, we will be
Vulnerable.

Need vs. love

We've all seen it, and many of us have probably been a part of one at some point in our lives. Yes, I'm referring to the clingy couple.

The clingy couple is comprised of either one insecure party and one self-assured party or two insecure parties. I'm not sure which couple is worse.

I've been clingy and insecure before. There was a time when I would get upset if my significant other didn't let me know where he was every minute of every day. There was a time when I felt the need to be loved, not for love's sake, but for my own selfish validation. There was a time when I would have accepted any attention from anything male, and I would have gone to great lengths to be admired and appreciated.

That is all in the past (or at least I hope to God it is.)

The main thing I've discovered about clingy-ness and insecurity is that it's about as attractive as a pile of compost. It's repulsive. It's needy. It's like having a puppy follow you around all the time just hoping to get a pat on the head once in a while. It's annoying.

I choose dignity and self-respect. I refuse to succumb to the urge to constantly and pathetically call, text or instant message whoever is currently on my mind. I choose to believe in the old adage, "Absence makes the heart grow fonder," and the slightly newer one, "How can he miss me if I won't go away?" I choose to find validation in myself and pride in my accomplishments, rather than in the opinions of others. I choose to be careful with my heart and not give it away to every masculine bipedal creature I encounter. I choose to think with my brain and not my vagina. I choose to look beyond the masks of others and see who they really are. I refuse to put on a facade, to pretend to be something I am not. I refuse to try to be what I think someone else wants me to be. I choose to surround myself with people who want to know me for who I really am. I choose honesty. I choose patience. I refuse to be desperate. I choose to be me.

And whatever will happen, will happen. I'm tired of pretending to fall in love just because someone thought he fell in love with me. I want to fall in love because I'm in love.

But before I fall in love, I need to be sure of myself... I need to be a complete, 100% individual -- all by myself. I don't ever want to fall for that 'puzzle piece' nonsense. I'm not looking for someone else to make me whole.

If I'm not a complete person on my own, no one else will ever be able to complete me. Too many miserable people believe that a 'soul mate' will fill a hole in their hearts and in their lives to make them happy, but they miss the opportunities around them every day to be happy with themselves.

If you're not happy alone, you won't be happy with anyone. Happiness is a state of mind, a choice the heart makes, not a sudden change in relationship status. Happy has to be me first and we later.

As far as I can tell, I think one of the keys to a good relationship is to want to be together... not to need each other.

I don't want to need anyone, and I don't want anyone to need me. Need puts a lot of pressure on a person. Need says, "Don't mess up, my well-being and state of mind depend on you." Need is clingy. Need is desperate. Need is not love.

Love is much more accepting of people's flaws because love isn't using another person as a feel-good potion. Love says, "I want to be with you because of who you are, not just because of how you make me feel." Love is independent. Love is strong. Love is unconditional. And that's why love lasts.

And because of that, true love is rare.

And because of its rarity, true love is worth waiting for and worth living for.

Watch me grow

Disclaimer: If you are easily upset by a retelling of my marriage/divorce story, please do not read. And if you have nothing constructive or logical to say, please do not comment. Otherwise, carry on.

I've been wanting to write something along these lines for a while now, but I'm finding it difficult to do in a mature, non-juvenile way that won't get me a ton of hate (or love-in-the-form-of-confrontation) mail from people who disagree with me.

The past year of my life has been one of turning points and learning experiences. It was about a year and a half ago that I became seriously unhappy in my marriage. I read book after book after book, Christian and non-Christian, trying to figure out what was wrong with my marriage and what I could do to fix it. I stayed up late every night, reading, crying, wondering what the problem was, wishing I could be happy again. I can't remember any other time in my life when I have shed so many tears. Eventually, I gave up and fell into a deep depression instead. Nothing made me happy anymore. The things that used to make me happy just made me feel more depressed as I remembered what it was like to be happy.

The depression deepened at about the same rate that my marriage fell apart. I did my best to talk things out, but the words for emotion that raw are hard to come by.

Eventually, a little more than a year ago now, I made a drastic and completely uncharacteristic decision. I chose to tell my husband I was leaving him.

The events that followed this tearful revelation were numerous, emotional and blend themselves into a haze in my mind. They are also unnecessary for this narrative. I don't want to assign blame, condemn others or air dirty laundry. Suffice it to say, that night was only the beginning of a long, stressful span of many months. I began to be much more honest with myself and with my husband. I said things I had never before even imagined I would have to say. I wept uncontrollably over everything, simply because the emotional stress was overwhelming.

I opened myself up as much as I knew how at the time. And almost every time I did, the things I said in truth and honesty were either condemned as lies, or they were thrown back in my face as a weapon. Either way, it didn't really make me feel like telling the truth. The deceit that I had grown accustomed to in my life seemed much easier.

But I had crossed the line. I couldn't remain fake. I had finally discovered a glimpse of who I really was, and I preferred that person over the person I had attempted to be all those years prior.

All the months of trying, all the emotional wear-and-tear, all the drama, all the tears, all the immaturity, all the long, lonely nights finally, gradually, came to an end when I moved out on my own. I was finally able to assert my freedom, my independence, my individuality. And I did.

In the past seven or eight months, I have grown and matured as a person on multiple levels, in ways I would have never dreamed possible. I have had to face the world as an adult, and every day, at the end of the day, I know that I'm a little better off than I was yesterday.

I learned a lot from the experience. I learned that regret is not an option. I don't believe in regret. Everything that has happened in my life has made me the person I am today, and I am grateful for that.

I am deeply sorry for the pain that my dishonesty and immaturity caused to others in my life, but I hope that they have learned and grown as much as I have, despite the pain.

My divorce was officially finalized earlier this month, and I can now officially close that chapter of my life as I move forward.

Growth doesn't just happen with age. Growth happens when we experience things that drive us far away from our comfort zones, when we learn how to deal maturely with circumstances that have never come up before.

Maturity, I think, is a conscious decision. Immaturity is natural. Maturity takes effort and initiative. I catch myself sometimes and say "Is this the mature response?" More often than not, my gut reaction to a situation is immature... but if I can catch myself in time, I can think of the more mature, more logical, more appropriate response and do that instead.

Really, it's about using your brain. It's not just there to fill space. Life isn't rocket science. So much of it is just common sense. But even if it's common... it still has to make sense, people.

My world has been drastically altered by the events of the past few years. In many ways, I'm the same person I've always been, just a lot more honest. But in a lot of ways, I hardly even recognize myself when I think back to who I used to be, or at least how I used to live. The person I was would have never even dreamed that the person I am now could have existed.

And you know what? I like the real me a lot better than the fake me.

And I can't wait to see who I'm going to become this year.

How do you measure your growth as a person? Are you growing? Are you striving to become the best possible version of you? Or are you stagnant and comfortable?

The games we play with our words

Have you ever stopped to think about the mind games people play, and why they play them?

I did. And these are some of my thoughts on the subject.

I think playing mind games is a form of OCD... a compulsive need to control other people. Playing mind games is a manipulation tactic. If Person X chooses to play mind games with someone, it's because she wants to manipulate their responses and their reactions to her. She wants the ball to stay in her court all the time. She wants to make the rules. She wants to ensure that the situation goes according to her plans.

Sometimes this manipulation is conscious, but I think a lot of times it's just a subconscious habit, a way of doing things that we've had ingrained in us from a very young age. We see it everywhere we look. Parents do it to their children, couples do it to each other, the media (in all its various forms) does it to society... we are all guilty of it at some point in our lives... doing or saying something with the express goal of eliciting a certain response.

What I am aiming for in my life right now is the opposite of this manipulation. It's honesty.

See, honesty puts the ball in your court. It lets you as an individual decide how to react to what I lay out as truth or fact. It does so without emotional hang-ups and without any particular desired response. And it is, honestly, a remarkably difficult thing to accomplish.

See, at least for me, whenever I interact with someone, I have an automatic 'desired response.' There is a certain way I want people to react to what I say or do. And it's tough to push that desired response aside and get into the mindset that it doesn't matter what reaction I get, as long as the truth is being told. But sometimes it's hard to be truthful in a society that doesn't really respect the truth.

And truth... one of the words that I will soon have tattooed permanently into my skin... truth, in it's truest form, isn't easy to come by. It tends to be tainted. We're not used to telling it, and so we're not used to hearing it. It's so easy to embellish or sugar-coat the truth... but is it really the truth after all that?

How long are we as a society going to be okay with living in lies?

I tell the people close to me in my life that the best way to hurt me or insult me is to lie to me. If you have something negative to say, it's like ripping off the proverbial band-aid. Say it honestly, brutally honestly, if you must, and let me deal with the pain and get over it. If you just keep covering up everything with band-aids, there are going to be a lot more to pull off eventually, and the pain is going to be prolonged unnecessarily.

Yeah, the truth can hurt. A lot. But if you ask anyone who's been chronically lied to, they'll probably tell you... lies hurt a lot more.

Maybe Mom was right. Maybe honesty really IS the best policy.