Insecurity and defense mechanisms

A conversation I had today got me thinking about the many manifestations of insecurity I see in the people around me, and the defense mechanisms they use to hide the way they feel.

The critic
For instance... some people manifest their insecurity by being overly critical of others. Some people feel the need to put others down or to be overly demanding of others in order to make themselves look better. It's as if they're saying, "If I make this person look or feel like an idiot, then I will look and feel better by comparison." People who feel small want to make other people feel just as small. People who have a healthy self-confidence want to make others feel confident, too.

The flaunter
Some people manifest their insecurity by overcompensation. Some people feel the need to have the latest fad gadget, the most expensive car, the biggest house, the best big-screen TV, the designer clothes and the diamond jewelry... and they are often the people with the greatest insecurities. It's as if they're saying, "I don't think very highly of myself, so I want to have the best of everything so that other people will think highly of me." A lack of self-confidence creates a void in your emotional being. By attempting to define yourself by the things you have, you show me you aren't comfortable with yourself as a person and need something else to fill the void.

The obsessive
Some people manifest their insecurity by obsession. I have seen this in numerous ways. Some men, when they feel emasculated by the women in their lives, develop an obsession with things that make them feel "manly." Sports, violent video games, fast cars, guns. Some women, when they feel insecure, develop an obsession with things that make them feel worthy. Fitness, fashion and beauty endeavors are common ways women attempt to validate themselves. The obsession can often become a way for these people to prove to themselves that they are good enough. It's as if they're saying, "I don't feel good about myself, but if I pour myself into this one thing, I will feel better."

The slut
The slut syndrome is another way insecure people attempt to validate themselves. For some people, having sex with various partners makes them feel better about themselves. It's as if they're saying, "If all these people wanted to sleep with me, then I must be worth something, I must be sexy, I must be special." It's a very common mechanism for people who have felt rejected in a relationship.

The sarcastic
Some people manifest their insecurity by using sarcasm as a relationship barrier. This is the category I generally fall into. Some people (including me) use sarcasm as a way to keep people at a distance, to keep people from getting too close. It's a mechanism that (supposedly) keeps insecure people from getting hurt. It's as if they're saying, "If I don't let you get near me, you won't see my flaws and you won't reject me."

The attention whore
Some people manifest their insecurity by demanding attention from everyone around them. Some people aren't happy unless they are in the spotlight and everyone in the room is focused on them. The attention whore often takes drastic measures to be the center of attention. They tend to be very likeable people, but they may brag a lot about themselves and their accomplishments. It's as if they're saying, "If I can get all these people to pay attention to me and think I'm worth something, I will feel reassured of my worth."

***

All of these manifestations of insecurity are perfectly normal, but all of them are harmful to you and often to those around you. And so, some brief words to each of you.

To the critic...

Learn to focus on positives, in yourself and in others. Look for the good in other people, and check yourself when you start criticizing. Recognize your tendency to be critical, and stop to think about when you feel those tendencies and why.

To the flaunter...

Learn to focus on who you are rather than what you have. Nice things are nice, but don't let things define you. You are more than things. You are a person, and your heart, your soul, your mind, your goals, your dreams, your relationships and your life are all a million times more important than the things you have. You want people to love you for you, not for your stuff. Recognize your tendency to fill your void with nice things, and think about when you feel those tendencies and why.

To the obsessive...

Learn to focus on the big picture rather than the individual things that you think will get you what you want. An obsession with one thing in life will not make you feel like a complete person. A complete, whole life is made up of a balance of many components. Recognize your tendency to obsess, and stop to think about when you feel those tendencies and why.

To the slut...

Learn to focus on building deep relationships rather than momentarily validating ones. You will feel more secure in yourself by realizing that a few people love you for who you really are, rather than many people loving you for a passing, meaningless moment. Recognize your tendency to seek validation from sexual partners, and stop to think about when you feel those tendencies and why.

To the sarcastic...

Learn to focus on letting people see the real you rather than a pre-determined mask or barrier. Open yourself up. You may not get hurt if you don't let people get close to you, but you also won't be able to love and be loved. Take a chance. Recognize your tendency to use sarcasm to push people away, and stop to think about when you feel those tendencies and why.

To the attention whore...

Learn to focus on other people rather than on yourself. You may be surprised to find how much self-confidence can be gained by paying attention to others and not worrying about what they think of you. Recognize your tendency to draw attention to yourself, and stop to think about when you feel those tendencies and why.

***

What are you insecure about? How do you manifest your insecurities? What can you do to deal with your insecurities in a healthy way?

I would have loved you anyway

http://www.cmt.com/videos/trisha-yearwood/71210/i-wouldve-loved-you-anyway.jhtml

If I'd've known the way that this would end
If I'd've read the last page first
If I'd've had the strength to walk away
If I'd've known how this would hurt

I would've loved you anyway
I'd do it all the same
Not a second I would change
Not a touch that I would trade
Had I known my heart would break
I'd've loved you anyway

It's bittersweet to look back now
At memories withered on a vine
Just to hold you close to me
For a moment in time

I would've loved you anyway
I'd do it all the same
Not a second I would change
Not a touch that I would trade
Had I known my heart would break
I'd've loved you anyway

Even if I'd seen it comin'
You'd still have seen me runnin'
Straight into your arms

I would've loved you anyway
I'd do it all the same
Not a second I would change
Not a touch that I would trade
Had I known my heart would break
I would've loved you anyway
I would've loved you anyway

Sometimes men just don't get it

My dear co-worker and friend drove me to the bar after work tonight, and we hung out for an hour or so, mostly just relaxing after a long day.

It was one of those nights. You know the kind I mean. The kind of night when, even though you've just gotten off work and you haven't retouched your makeup all day, you still look amazing in those wonderfully dimly lit dive bars. Yeah, it was one of those nights.

So I'm having a coke and a conversation with my beautiful friend, and this cute guy keeps watching me from across the room. He's good-looking, so I shoot him a glance and a smile or two, and he takes that as a sign to come up behind me when I turn my back and tap my shoulder.

I shake hands, as any polite bar fly might, and introduce myself. He does the same, and then proceeds to stare blankly at me for a moment, as if processing his next sentence took an excruciating amount of brainpower.

His next statement, however, didn't reflect any exerted brainpower at all.

"So who were you rooting for in the Super Bowl today?"

Uh, sidebar. If you're a guy at a bar, try not to assume that all the pretty girls you see want to discuss football as an icebreaker.

Now, I enjoy sports other than football, so I explained to this guy that I'm not much of an NFL girl, but I'm crazy about the NBA, and to try to keep the conversation flowing, I mentioned that where I come from, basketball trumps pretty much every other sport.

So he paused for another minute, swayed drunkenly a bit, and asked where I was from. A decent question. So I answer. "San Antonio, Texas."

Another pause. God, this is getting really irritating. I could have three other conversations in the time it takes him to process this one.

He then stares at me again, and says, "Wow, I've never met anyone from Texas who didn't like football." More swaying. How many beers has this guy had today? Obviously his halftime party was quite a bash.

I explain that I'm not your average Texan, and turn away to chat with my lovely friend, who sees my distress and becomes my personal savior by asking some incredibly enthralling question that demands an immediate (and private) conversation.

He wanders away, but a few minutes later, he comes back. Wow, buddy. You didn't get the message? Denser than I thought. Let's try this again.

"I think our conversation got cut off somehow," he says.

"Yeah, probably. That happens sometimes in a crowded bar." I'm just annoyed by now. I sip on my coke, and my savior rescues me once more by pointing out something hilarious on the TV behind the bar. I love her.

Finally, this guy pays his tab and starts to walk out. He comes up behind me and taps my shoulder again. He leans in and says, "I'm leaving now..." and gives me this look like he's anticipating something. I shake his hand again, and say, "Okay, hon, have a good night." I turn back to my friends. He taps my shoulder AGAIN. And stares. No words. He just stares.

Huh? What do you expect me to say?

"Oh yeah, we just had this wonderful conversation, a total of about seven words, and now I'm just dying to give your drunk ass my phone number."

Do I look desperate?

God, I hope not.

So, here's a quick rundown of signs to look for that indicate I'm not interested in continuing a conversation with you:

1. I say a quick hello and turn immediately back to my companions.
2. I answer your questions succinctly and turn immediately back to my companions.
3. I shake your hand, say "Have a good night," and turn immediately back to my companions.
4. I completely ignore you as I'm chatting with my companions.

My friend and I left the bar laughing our asses off.

I love the bar. Such intriguing things go on within those four walls.

I might be pretty. I like to think I am. But I don't need your creepy stares and slurring comments to validate the way I see myself. In fact, I don't need your sober stares or normal comments to validate the way I see myself. I like attention, but don't think just paying attention to me is going to make me want you, need you, have to have you. I need a little more than a guy who plays the role of the magic mirror telling me I'm the fairest in the land. Mostly because it's not true, but also because I don't care. It's my soul, my heart, my brain that makes me who I am. My body is just the package I come in.

I've had men obsess over me before. Where are the good men that are worthy of my obsession?