Drive

Sometimes, I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear
And I can't help but ask myself how much I let the fear
Take the wheel and steer
It's driven me before
And it seems to have a vague, haunting mass appeal
But lately I'm beginning to find that I
Should be the one behind the wheel

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
With open arms and open eyes yeah

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
I'll be there

So if I decide to waiver my chance to be one of the hive
Will I choose water over wine and hold my own and drive?
It's driven me before
And it seems to be the way that everyone else gets around
But lately I'm beginning to find that
When I drive myself my light is found

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
With open arms and open eyes yeah

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
I'll be there

Would you choose water over wine
Hold the wheel and drive

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
With open arms and open eyes yeah

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
I'll be there

-------------

There was once a plan... a plan that would change my life, a plan that would change the lives of many people around me. Some despised the plan, some supported the plan, a select few supported me whether they approved of the plan or not. Some tried to stop me from going through with the plan. Some doubted I could go through with the plan... some doubted I could go through with anything. She doesn't finish things, they said. She can't commit. She's wishy washy and unstable. She'll never make it, they said.

There was once a plan. Find a job. Check. Find a new place to live and move. Check. Get a driver's license...... and I'm proud to say that I can finally, after all these years, check that one off the list.

I passed my driving test today, and am now the proud owner of a CA driver's license.

I was finally at the right place in my life where I could commit to learning to drive, and had the means to do it... and I did. I followed through. I did what I needed to do. I'm that much closer to my freedom.

There's still a plan. There are still many steps to go. And as I check each one off, I add new ones to the bottom. I make new goals and I figure out what I have to do to reach them. And then I reach them.

It's not that I can't follow through. It's not that I can't commit. It's not that I can't finish what I start. It's just that I know when something isn't worth following through with... isn't worth wasting my time on... isn't worth the heartache and the drama and the despair... isn't worth the pain. When it's worth it, I finish it.

I'm more likely to finish what I start nowadays, because I'm more careful with what I start to begin with. It's a live-and-learn thing for me. The things in my past that I gave up on (or a few that I merely postponed) don't haunt me. I stopped "following through" when it stopped being beneficial ... to anyone, not just to myself.

When I dropped out of college, it was because a $30,000/year education became too many cons and not enough pros. When I go back to school to finish my degree, it will be because the pros outweigh the cons, and not until then.

When I signed the divorce papers, it was because I believed that it was not only in my best interest, but in the best interests of everyone involved ... whether they could see that at the time or not. Sure, a lot of people thought my decision was motivated entirely by selfishness. And part of it was.

But now ... the past is in the past, and the future is bright. There's a plan ... and even if the plan morphs and grows and becomes something other than originally intended, it's still a plan, and I'm still following through. There's still a dream, and I'm still pursuing it.

So don't accuse me of never following through simply because I chose not to follow through with the things you wanted me to follow through with.

My choices are my own, and I live with the consequences of them.

And guess what? I haven't gone crawling back, I haven't hit rock bottom, and I haven't made the same mistakes twice. I understand that this surprises some who knew me way back when. But I'm stronger because of the choices I've made and the way I've dealt with the situations that have sprung up in my life. I'm wiser because of my mistakes. I know more about love and honesty and acceptance and supportiveness than ever before.

I still have my moments of weakness. I still have small bouts of depression sometimes, but they are short-lived and easy to cure. I still have doubts and misgivings about the direction my life is headed, but I know that even though I can't control the circumstances around me, I can control my own actions and reactions. And I still have plenty of faults and I still make plenty of mistakes, but I have learned how to learn from them and how to avoid repeating them. I don't feel like I have to be perfect all the time anymore. I'm not afraid of being found to be flawed. I'm not afraid to be myself.

Fear isn't driving me anymore. I can drive myself. And whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there with open arms and open eyes.