Sunday, April 5, 2009

Need vs. love

We've all seen it, and many of us have probably been a part of one at some point in our lives. Yes, I'm referring to the clingy couple.

The clingy couple is comprised of either one insecure party and one self-assured party or two insecure parties. I'm not sure which couple is worse.

I've been clingy and insecure before. There was a time when I would get upset if my significant other didn't let me know where he was every minute of every day. There was a time when I felt the need to be loved, not for love's sake, but for my own selfish validation. There was a time when I would have accepted any attention from anything male, and I would have gone to great lengths to be admired and appreciated.

That is all in the past (or at least I hope to God it is.)

The main thing I've discovered about clingy-ness and insecurity is that it's about as attractive as a pile of compost. It's repulsive. It's needy. It's like having a puppy follow you around all the time just hoping to get a pat on the head once in a while. It's annoying.

I choose dignity and self-respect. I refuse to succumb to the urge to constantly and pathetically call, text or instant message whoever is currently on my mind. I choose to believe in the old adage, "Absence makes the heart grow fonder," and the slightly newer one, "How can he miss me if I won't go away?" I choose to find validation in myself and pride in my accomplishments, rather than in the opinions of others. I choose to be careful with my heart and not give it away to every masculine bipedal creature I encounter. I choose to think with my brain and not my vagina. I choose to look beyond the masks of others and see who they really are. I refuse to put on a facade, to pretend to be something I am not. I refuse to try to be what I think someone else wants me to be. I choose to surround myself with people who want to know me for who I really am. I choose honesty. I choose patience. I refuse to be desperate. I choose to be me.

And whatever will happen, will happen. I'm tired of pretending to fall in love just because someone thought he fell in love with me. I want to fall in love because I'm in love.

But before I fall in love, I need to be sure of myself... I need to be a complete, 100% individual -- all by myself. I don't ever want to fall for that 'puzzle piece' nonsense. I'm not looking for someone else to make me whole.

If I'm not a complete person on my own, no one else will ever be able to complete me. Too many miserable people believe that a 'soul mate' will fill a hole in their hearts and in their lives to make them happy, but they miss the opportunities around them every day to be happy with themselves.

If you're not happy alone, you won't be happy with anyone. Happiness is a state of mind, a choice the heart makes, not a sudden change in relationship status. Happy has to be me first and we later.

As far as I can tell, I think one of the keys to a good relationship is to want to be together... not to need each other.

I don't want to need anyone, and I don't want anyone to need me. Need puts a lot of pressure on a person. Need says, "Don't mess up, my well-being and state of mind depend on you." Need is clingy. Need is desperate. Need is not love.

Love is much more accepting of people's flaws because love isn't using another person as a feel-good potion. Love says, "I want to be with you because of who you are, not just because of how you make me feel." Love is independent. Love is strong. Love is unconditional. And that's why love lasts.

And because of that, true love is rare.

And because of its rarity, true love is worth waiting for and worth living for.

1 comment:

leksificus maksimus said...

Very well put! I'm glad that you have grown to realize it's about you first, and the couple later. This is why we get along, and this is why we are in love.

I always askmy insecure girlfriends: How can you love anyone if you don't love yourself.

I also believe there is no such thing as someone "completing" you. It's silly, and it's nonsense.

Everyone should be whole to start with. Instead of finding "your other half," people should be looking for another WHOLE person to compliment them. In Interpersonal Relationship studies, it's called "bridging." Two whole circles coming together and connecting together on an even plane.

Sorry, I was a teacher's assistant for a class that talked about this. I can go on for days.

In any case, love shouldn't make anyone happy. At least to the point that they depend on love to make them happy. If anyone depends on love to make them "whole" or "happy," they are just setting themselves up for failure.

A significant other should ADD to your happiness, not BE it.

And in the end, a man is ever only someone to mow the lawn. :)

Love you.